Monday, July 11, 2005

I'm feeling hot, hot, hot....

Somehow, I didn't think I would mean that so literally at the ripe old age of thirty-four.

I have been having hot flashes. It's not menopause, or at least I don't have any other symptom of menopause, but the flashes are definitely there. And they aren't so much a flash as just whole complete days when my body temperature just feels off. Everyone else will be walking around looking crisp and cool, and I feel like yesterday's lettuce after a night on the counter.

My boss just came by and installed a fan and light which plugs into my keyboard and sends a soothing breeze onto my face and neck, the places where I feel the second most hot. We are both already married, which is the only reason I refrained from proposing to her on the spot.

As for the place I feel the most hot? Well. Today, I did something I have not done in years. I actually took Gold Bond Powder and sprinkled it on my butt and thighs. Gold Bond Powder.

For those who may not realize, I am African American. Black. Black people spend a significant part of the grooming process attempting to look rich and velvet and chocolately, as opposed to chalky and dry. We call the chalky, dry look, 'being ashy.' We are known to ask each other if we've recently trod through a patch of cooking flour when we are looking particularly ashy.

Vaseline is the hallmark moisturizer of the black person. It banishes ash to the depths of the body and allows us to walk around and not appear to have recently fried up a batch of chicken. Vaseline, however, is the arch enemy of the hot, sweaty, day. So now I'm walking around with my tush powdered up the way it used to be when I was two. I have an ashy ass.

A coworker just came in and blamed nature and the ozone. "If I could go back in time," she said, "I would slap my mother and her can of Aquanet."

She assured me that as women (she's in her forties) we can go through periods of temperature shifts which do not necessarily translate into a forthcoming period of permanent periodlessness.

I am trying to take comfort in this.

And I am also trying to reach that ice cube which just slipped down my shirt. Happy Summer.

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