Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Sugar and Spice and....

Lately, I have been having slight problems with road rage. This is altogether because other people can't drive, but I think I need to take a moment to reflect on my own reaction in an effort to be a kinder, gentler driver.

Okay, that's enough reflecting.

People in the metro DC area have driving issues. Allow me to list a few that cause me particular angst:

1. Fender Bender People.
You know who you are. You're the people who weren't paying attention and either slammed into someone or caused someone to slam into you. Fine. No one cares if you want to dent your car; I've got a few dents of my own. What pisses me off is your failure to move your perfectly working vehicles from the travel lanes, so you can exchange State Farm cards and sue each other over the two inch scratches that you'll find will come off with a good washing once you finally move your damn car and go home! I swear, I want to run these people over with my car. There is no law that says you have to sit in the travel lanes and wait for the police to come to confirm that yes, your Accord tapped his Corolla. And for those who don't know: the person in the back is always the person at fault. Always, always, always. Do not wait for the police to come and tell you this, while the rest of us sit on the 14th Street Bridge sticking pins into makeshift voodoo dolls representing you. MOVE YOUR CAR!

2. Jalopy Drivers.
I'm a sensitive person. I understand completely that we live in a world where some people drive less than perfectly performing cars. What I don't understand: if you know that your car has a tendency to stall, why do you attempt to drive it down the beltway in rush hour traffic? If I see one more 1980 Caprice smoking in the left lane of the Wilson Bridge I will swerve and push it into the water, I swear to heaven on high. Get a tune-up. Catch a ride. Take the bus! Work that ish out so the rest of us who change our oil every three thousand miles, thank you very much, can get to work. The last thing I want to do in this age of terrorism is suspend my arse a half mile above the Potomac river for any longer than necessary.

3. Non-Signal Users.
Yes, I see you leaning out the window and looking for a break in line (never mind the fact that the rest of us crept down 395 in the correct lane, and you decided to take a shortcut by driving in the exit lane as far as you could). I see you nosing the front of your car to try and bogart your way into my lane. Try it. I swear I will ride to work with your fender on my front hood. USE YOUR SIGNAL! I let anyone with a signal on merge. I don't understand trying to merge into a lane without using a signal. What is it, a secret? Do you really believe you are more likely to get over if you don't tell anyone that's what you want to do?

4. SUV Drivers.
This is not what you think. I think that most people who have issues with SUVs as a concept need to pick a more important battle. I also think it's a case of reverse elitism to complain about SUVs. My issue with SUV drivers: they need to realize they are not in a passenger car, and therefore they can't drive the same way they did when they were in a Honda Civic. Particularly when braking: realize that we sedan bottomfeeders behind you can't see over or around you, nor do we have the braking power you have in that V-3000. If you wait until the last minute to brake, we are going to either slam into you or get a neck ache from avoiding you. Let's all take a trip back to driving school, shall we? You brake when the car in front of the car in front of you brakes. You can relax that rule in a Kia. Not in a Yukon.

5. Merge Scaredy-cats.
This pisses me off so much I can barely write about it. To the people turning right onto Columbia Pike from Carlin Springs Road in Arlington/Falls Church: you have a lane! You do not have to sit and contemplate the traffic on Columbia Pike. You do not need to wait for a red light. What you need to do is exit the fog you live in and press the gas pedal, so the person behind you doesn't snap a blood vessel trying to scream "You have a lane!" through a very thick windshield. Thank you.

There. Now. I feel better. :)

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