Monday, August 21, 2006


In the Ask Marilyn column of Sunday's Parade magazine, someone wrote in suggesting that several words in the English language were too difficult to spell, and we should do something about it. They gave suggestions: Although should become Altho. Through should become Thru.

While I understand the thought, it occurs to me that these are probably the same people who leave grocery carts behind in parking spaces, when the grocery cart corral is literally right next to the spot they parked in. People I assume suffer from Extreme Laziness (not to be confused with the understandable laziness of, say, refusing to change the channel if you can't find the remote. There are limits, man).

Extreme Laziness victims are also the ones who toss cigarettes and trash from the car, despite the fact that a car is always *always* ALWAYS headed to a destination with a trash can, eventually. Because everyone has a trash can at home, yes? So why do I see the remnants of your deli sandwich in the parking lot? Extreme. Laziness.

I do not believe that the brain is unnecessarily taxed when having to recall that Although is spelled with three additional, albeit completely unnecessary, letters (which conveniently spell UGH). Perhaps I am just a person who doesn't like change, but where will it end? If things are going to be spelled the way they sound, we will be talking a major overhaul of the entire language. Major! And we'll have to all learn new ways of spelling things.

We all spell things however we want, anyway, depending on spell check to see us through when it really matters. I have a large circle of friends who have completely dispensed with the word 'probably' in favor of 'prolly', saving both keystrokes and syllable induced lip mashings. We did not require an act of Congress to do this, and we are all quite comfortable with the fact that we can't tell our respective CEOs that the new client is prolly not gonna turn a profit til third quarter, dude.

This is what's becoming of a nation slowly handing over the reigns to the soccer trophy generation. You know them: people who got a trophy just for donning the uniform of a team, and didn't have to play, much less win, to get it. I humbly submit that you cannot develop character unless you are the person standing in the gym waiting for the bratty popular girl or the immature boy jock to pick you for their kickball teams. Sometimes you were chosen first. Sometimes you were chosen last. Most of the time you were chosen in the middle. And you built character, learned to network, and kept an entire generation of psychotherapists employed when you realized you had zero self esteem.

But I digress.

Spelling bee judges everywhere, unite. A collective lazybones gathers and threatens life as we know it. The next thing you know, we'll all be spouting that things will happen irregardless and wishing to conversate with our neighbors, because so many people already put it that way it should become acceptable usage. And while we're at it, let's just leave our grocery carts whereever the hell we choose, and give the grocery store guy a trophy for collecting them all nicely. It would be the politically correct thing to do.

Or should I say, "DU".

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