Thursday, November 2, 2006

Size Matters

I remember watching commercials about feminine products in my teens and early twenties. The ads always showed women prancing merrily through the streets holding up their 'discreet' feminine product packaging. I knew that could never be me, because I was still ashamed to slink to the drug store counter and admit to the cashier that I needed something as private as a tampon.

I got over it. I don't go swinging my products through the air or anything, but I finally reached an age where I can slap down my Always right alongside my Entemann's doughnuts and Midol boxes (and it usually is all three). That is, until I went to the store the other day for reinforcements and came across something new.

Always Maxi-Pads. For women sizes 14 and up.

Okay, Always. I get you. You're trying to show us that you care, that you want us to be comfortable, that you are cutting edge and realize that all women are different. You forgot one thing, however:

Big girl or small: our vaginas do not need sizes!

Dove Campaign For Real Beauty my ass. In fact, I'm worried enough about my ass, you mean I'm supposed to worry about my hoo-ha as well? Take measurements and put it on a diet, so I don't have to buy big girl feminine hygiene products? This is outrageous.

My vagina is probably the only area of my body, except my little toes, to have remained a consistent size. Now I've got to wonder if I COULD actually gain weight down there, and have to buy maximum sized maximum protection.

This is outrageous!

Some areas of the body should be left out of our obsession with measuring tape. I think we can all survive without Always for women sizes 14 and up. And I'd like to point out that 14 and up covers a dizzying range of sizes, some not remotely in the same neighborhood as others. And who decided the cutoff, anyway? Was there a convention of size 12 women, measuring them in the altogether?

What's next? Fat Fingers Nailpolish?


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