Monday, December 3, 2007

Eating Right

After thumbing through a healthy eating guide today, it occurs to me that the people who write these guides cannot possibly be people who have ever tasted the foods they warn people not to consume. How else to explain someone believing that substituting raisins for a pastry is sufficient? Let's think about this. Cinnabon cinnamon bun vs. a box of raisins.

I love raisins, but please, spare me. They are not a substitute for pastries. Who are these people?

If I were to write a diet book, I'd focus on telling the truth. The opening paragraph would focus on preparing dieters for severe sacrifice. I would not pretend that a glass of water with a wedge of lime is going to taste (or feel) as good as a well prepared Cosmo. I think that people would be much more likely to stick to a healthy diet if they were simply adequately informed.

Allow me to help.

1. Fact: Very few of the low fat options taste as good as their full fat bretheren. In fact, they tend to taste so poorly that you will keep stuffing them into your mouth, hoping to get some satisfaction. This will elude you, but the five pounds lurking within a low fat box of Ho Ho's will not. Accept that these goodies are a part of the past (the occasional treat notwithstanding).

2. Fact: Your favorite fattening treat? Nothing tastes as good as it. Nothing. There is no substitute for it. Throw it a funeral, wear your mourning clothes, accept and move on. Apples and pears are delicious, yes, but they will not replace a slice of Aunt Mimi's peach cobbler in this lifetime.

3. Fact: The healthy options available through a drive through window tend to suck. Have you ever actually examined a McDonald's salad? Is that chicken?

4. Fact: Now they are saying that artificial sweeteners may actually make you fatter. This? This is an outrage. We can put a man on the moon, but we can't sweeten a Diet Coke with something that won't either a) cause cancer in laboratory rats or b) cause you to have to buy the next size in pants?

5. Fact: Water is refreshing. Nothing quite quenches the thirst in the same way. Unfortunately it is also the world's most boring beverage, bar none. If you are not already a water lover, chances are slim that you will ever change. Do not delude yourself that you can give up your double mocha latte, replace it with Aquafina, and feel satisifed. Seriously - this is right up there with that commitmentphobe you dated in college - file it under 'never going to happen.'

There is a saying that says nothing taste as good as skinny feels. I've been skinny, and I beg to differ. Skinny feels great during your ten year high school reunion, but it sucks donkey balls when you're stressed and dealing with a deadline. This is something people should know in advance of shedding the pounds.

I think my book would sell millions.

1 comment:

kerry said...

Will you autograph my copy??