Friday, December 4, 2009

Come on, Vogue.

Fashion articles drive me crazy. They continue to churn out articles detailing how to camouflage figure flaws that have nothing to do with me. Pear and apple shaped women have been targeted for decades, and then there's me: apparently the only woman in the world who is less pear and apple than she is, well, potato.

A different kind of vegetarian, if you will.

The potato shaped woman (me) does not have a single area to camouflage, but a series of areas that need to be peeled, sliced and mashed into her clothing. Just as the potato has spuds, so does the potato shaped woman. Push in any part of me and I swear, something comes poking out on the opposite side. This is partly due to genetics - I descend from a paternal line of long skinny legged women who carry most of their weight in various squirrel like pockets in the upper body. It is also due to a lack of discipline; if I may trot out the potato analogy once more, I am definitely guilty of living a life that is too buttered and salty.

I'd love to see an article that speaks to the "other" figure flaws, like those of women who don't need to minimize their stomach so much as procure a social security number for it and claim it on their taxes. Or one that focuses on the right shoes for thick ankles, or, I'm sorry, ya'll: the right sandals for ugly feet. Some of you just shouldn't. Acceptance, dear.

Lest you think I'm being mean, please know that I'd trade my attractive feet for ten ugly stubs of toes if it meant I could rid myself of the neck that looks like the last remaining evidence of my life as a man (turtlenecks? Burkas?).

So, how about it, writers? While you're suggesting how we could look ten pounds lighter and two inches taller, could you include a few tips for the hat seeking big headed woman, or skinny legged women who want to wear skirts without invoking Laura Ingalls?

Many thanks.

1 comment:

Brenna said...

Cheers to that, from one potato to another!

By the way, here's a link to Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey on You Tube, in case you're still curious: