Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

It's January, and you know. Everybody's dieting.

I'm a helpful person (also giving), so I thought I'd toss my hat into the ring and provide a list of filling foods. I'll dispense with the pretense of being healthy since that tends to make diets prohibitively complicated. These are foods that will, simply, fill you up, and allow you to skip meals and such.

1. Chocolate Cake
Preferably the kind your grandmother makes, with the twelve eggs and cups of lard. Completely delicious. It is obviously filling because everyone always said you couldn't have a piece before dinner, or you'd ruin your appetite. Well... ruining your appetite is the point right now. Enjoy.

2. Three Granola Bars.
For some reason, two isn't enough. You'll still want to eat. But three? Done deal, especially if you are talking the crumbly Nature Valley kind. Don't forget to tip the wrapper and dump the crumbs into your mouth - they count. They produce an uncomfortable sugar high, but they do NOT produce more hunger.

3. Diet Coke and a Cigarette
I don't smoke, but I've heard this is a sure thing. It makes your skin a little gray, but there are foundations that cover. And if you drink enough of them, diet sodas start to actually taste preferable to the regular ones.

4. Milk
A glass of milk is actually on the list for a lot of mainstream diets, especially if you drink skim. The hidden secret not on all those lists: add chocolate syrup.

5. Triscuits
You only need a handful, if you have Yao Ming's hands, of course. Otherwise, a box will do.

I am sensing a lot more adherence to those New Year's Resolutions than might otherwise have been achieved. You're welcome, it was my great pleasure.

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