Thursday, February 23, 2012

Drill, Baby, Drill!

Reading through my recent posts, it occurs to me that I've been about as much fun as filling out a tax form. It's fairly easy for me to be rainy and soggy on any given day; give me actual, valid reasons for sadness and I'm the favored thoroughbred outside the gates of the Preakness: off to the races.

But I'm not a sad person. I'm a person who easily becomes sad. I run on happy. Happy is my fuel, my motivation. Others make changes and strides to pull themselves out of a less than desirable situation. I move in this direction or change to that one in pursuit of more of something I like. A good time leaves me soaring far above anything that might be described as dank or gray below.

I use up a lot of happy as I go along, though. I am to happiness what a Hummer is to petro: a gas guzzler. I suck it out of a room in big deep gulps, I gather it in buckets and pour it over my head. I don't save it. I don't ration it. I don't schedule it. Among the saddest thing I ever read is the end time printed on party invitations. An open ended party time seems so promising, so optimistic. Even though we'll probably all be asleep by eleven, how refreshing and cool and happy to think we might have such a good time that we just keep going?

I use my happy so intensely that often, my well runs dry. I deplete my reserves and walk around, ghost like, on empty. And then when I'm faced with something sad, whether it be tiny (why must the grocery store insist on discontinuing every product I like?) or monstrous, I regularly find myself without the fuel to weather it well. I start to sputter and smoke and act like an engine that needs an oil change and fill up at the Exxon. My dust coats everything and everyone around me. It's unpretty.

I don't want to learn to manage my happy more carefully, so I have lots left over. I do not want to be a well behaved, or particularly balanced, person. I want to be that person who slides into the grave sideways, glass of champagne in one hand... you know how the rest goes.

But perhaps I do need to carve out a tiny little reserve tank. Just to hold a few ounces that I can pull out when needed. An infinitesimal container with a sign that instructs me to Break Glass In Case Of Emergency.

So I'm looking for tools to help create that reserve tank (Pinterest helps. Ha.). And I'm working on the blueprint for it. And I'll build it, so when I need it and it's otherwise not appearing, I can go and drill, baby, drill for some happiness.

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